ARE YOU A PEOPLE PLEASER?

PEOPLE PLEASER

NOUN

\’pe-pel-‘ple-zar\

1.    Someone or something that please or wants to please people

2.    A person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires

Some of you might find this hard to hear, but most people pleasers often act out of insecurity and a lack of self-esteem.   For some, people-pleasing can almost be like an addiction.  People pleasers often feel like they are needed and useful.  They try so hard to make others happy all the time and often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time or resources away from them.

How do you know if you are a people pleaser?   Well, the number one sign is that you have an inability to say no.    No matter what is going on in your life, you continually put other people ahead of yourself because you do not want to disappoint others.   Some people pleasers even have trouble expressing their opinion because they worry that people will become upset.  A majority of people pleasers end up doing things they truly don’t want to do but do it anyway so as to keep the peace.   They certainly avoid conflict at every opportunity.   If this already sounds exhausting - that is because IT IS. It is exhausting trying to maintain peace in ALL your relationships at all costs.   Here are some examples of how you may be feeling if you are a people pleaser;

-       Stressed and burnout

-       Separation from your true self

-       Resentful and lonely

-       Dissatisfied, depressed and disconnected

-       Constantly feel responsible for how others feel, therefore you develop anxiety and excessively worry

I admit I was a people pleaser, especially when I was looking after my mother after my father died.  I never wanted to see her upset, so I would do everything I could to shield her from any form of disappointment or stress. When I was a people pleaser, I felt things so deeply.   I overthought things and I constantly felt it was my responsibility to make things better. Needless to say, I was empathetic to a fault.  However, in my mind, I was an outstanding caretaker.

People pleasers constantly do things out of obligation rather than desire, and then end up feeling resentful, anxious and burnt out.  Nobody can do the right way in a people pleaser’s mind. It becomes a yo-yo cycle.  They are forever taking on more than they can handle.  Saying NO is incredibly hard to say for a people pleaser as they usually default to “Yes”, “sure, I can do that”, or “yes, no problem, let me help you with that”,

If you think this is you and you want to change, then it’s time to start saying NO to others and YES to yourself.  First, try simply changing your default response.  Simply delay your response and really think it over before you say YES.  Just say … “Let me get back to you on that.’   It is easier to say no when you have lots of great things to say yes to.   It’s hard to say no when you have low self-esteem or a poor sense of self.  Most people pleasers rely on validation from others, which in turn means that their confidence is based purely on external forces.  Whereas they should be relying on internal validation, not external.     The best way to stop people-pleasing is to build up what makes you feel good. If you feel good about yourself, then you do not need others to make you feel good.

In order for people-pleasers to stop the process, it is absolutely crucial not to give an answer immediately.  Why?  Because saying yes is often their default.  The easiest way is to make “Let me get back to you” the default response.  It is totally understandable if you have to check your diary, your to-do list or even check in with your partner. 

Steve Jobs once said, “It’s only by saying ‘no’ that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.”

Try not to use the word ‘can’t’, because those requesting will always say “but why?” and often follow through with “It won’t take long” or “Just come for a while”.  Rather use the word “don’t”, as it establishes a clear boundary and you sound much more confident and clear in your intentions.   “Can’t” appears to be an excuse.

So if you are a people pleaser and want to change your ways … just take a second before answering “yes” or “sure” … and try not to use the word “can’t. Simply try the line … “Can I get back to you on that?” or “I will need to check my diary and I’ll come back to you”.